She's My Dead Sister, But Still My Best Friend {A True Story of a Lost Sister}

I sit here in this lonely room
I live here in this dark gloom
I never thought you would leave
You were my best friend and part of my family
When you passed I watched you, not feeling anything
When you breathed your last breath I didn't cry for you
It didn't sink in at first, but later it started to make me sad, then I started to fill myself with rage
I struck myself with sad thoughts that it was my fault
"Why did you just sit there?!" I thought to myself
"YOU COULD'VE DONE MORE, YOU ASSHOLE!!" I screamed in my mind
If you were still alive, I would be so happy
If you could see all the stuff I want to show you, I would be so happy
You were much more than a sister, you were my best friend. 

Struggle

I remember at some point we were all past help.

Just slowly falling further and further away......

drifting deeper into the dark until we were completely blind.

We were all alone.

Nobody took our hands, or gave us air to stop from drowning.

We were all just alone.........

every one of us.

The only thing that saved us was that we couldn't fall any more.

We finally touched ground, and marched forward in our darkness.

Each and everyone of us was left alone in our own darkness.

We chose it ourselves........

our own darkness to stumble in.

We all know this pain.

Each of us branded with our own mistake, and constant reminder.

We fell alone, tripping over our own feet on purpose.

We continued to fall with no one attempting to save us.

We were all abandoned for our mistakes.

Not until we finally saw that we didn't have to continuously stumble in that darkness did we reach the ladder....... the old, rusty ladder; 

climbed and rusted with the blood of the ones that came before us.

As we ascended, the pegs broke and the ladder wobbled viciously, but we were still alone trying to climb up so desperately.

"I will reach you!!" we each screamed into the darkness.

Our voices carried alone, echoing in our darkness that we created.

We struggled up that ladder so long that we eventually forgot how to climb back down.

We could no longer descend.

After us, many will fall.......

but we, and they after, will always find our, and their own, way to the top...... alone

Alone we fall, with no one attempting to save us; and alone we climb that treacherous ladder.

Even now we're still climbing alone. 

Even after all these years I'm still climbing.

I, alone; 

her, him, even more than that.

We, for a long, long time, 

but we all decided that our own arm, our own legs, will pull us back up to the top.

We, and they, never got help.

Alone........

Everyone will, and have fallen......

And every single one has been, and will, climb back to the top, forever.

Even after our hands are bloody and blistered;

even after our arms have become tired and worn to the point where we wish they'd fall off;

even after our feet have been imprinted with the shape of the pegs of that rusty, bloody, breaking ladder;

and our legs seem as though they will forever be stuck in that awkward, uncomfortable position,

we will always continue to climb. 

All of us alone........

 

Regret

 A sudden realization.
It tightens itself in my chest, and wraps tightly around my heart.
Stretching and gripping my lungs; making it nearly impossible to breathe.
It's building, welling up inside.
There's so much that it feels like I might explode.
The love, anger, and sorrow that I caused myself, and others.
"I wish it could've been with you!"
"If only I went there instead!"
"Why couldn't I have argued earlier on?!"
Second-guessing all the time.
Always so indecisive.
I wish everything could be easier.......... but then again, I don't.
I have my regrets as a reminder of things I want, love......... and have already lost and can never regain.

My New Home, My Broke Town............ My Worthless Shitty

 The polluted skies, the cracked and broken buildings, and the oh-so lifeless humans maintaining it all.

A sky that is never completely night and never shows a single star no matter how high you climb.

A city of lifeless cement and living weeds slowly killing all the green that surrounds it.

The undisciplined youth ruining my perfect silence.

The unforgiving elders trying so desperately to destroy lives that are clung to with all their might.

The students who only learn how to be jaded, or to jeer their slowly breaking peers.

A disease spreading like the plague through the minds of the, already, ill civilians.

Lives that are stolen while attempting to save another.

Chapels that only know how to condemn instead of save.

Memories of a broken home flooding into an already overflowing mind.

Rage and confusion slitting the wrists of a broken doll and hiding that shame under a black wristband.

A deteriorating body clinging desperately to a false life.

Eyes that refuse to close for fear that they might reject the morning sun.

Using only a blue screen to illuminate the paper I bleed my thoughts out on.

Comfort found only in lifeless, soulless....... heartless stitchings.

Suffering from the heat and feverish dreams that follow.

Wishing for an icy prison to surround her home.

Hoping for a new cold, gray, watery shower to fall on these broken buildings.

A cry falling upon deaf ears,

tears falling before a blind audience.

Purely platonic relationships being practiced in the dark.

One-sided feelings never being returned.

Sanity being kept for the sake of her future,

and for the home of her dear companions.

A poor, crying, broken doll being kept in a glass case inside a dark room.

This is my life.

My one and only home......... castle.......... cage.

This is the broken world I live in.

My private hell......... 

My rotting shitty.

Infinite & Eternal {Halting Thoughts, Ponders, and Wonders}

The unthinkable has happened, that has nearly stopped me from thinking.
My mum has thought, too.
Her thinking nearly, has nearly, stopped her from thinking.
Those thoughts that were nearly ended.
Those thoughts that I know nothing of.
That thinking that was nearly stopped.
Those thoughts, ponders, wonders, queries, ideas, and conjectures that could've been severed last night.
Those many things that could have, and would have, been; but weren't.
By the grace that has stopped me.
My name was never "MERCY", but "RAGE".
My dear conflicting, and yours, too.
The thoughts that conflict struggle.
My thoughts and yours do not meld.
For I choose "ETERNITY" and you choose "INFINITY".
But that 'father' for the power to "CHOOSE" and "CHANGE".
So, dear mother, please choose the "change", and in-turn change your choice to choose "ETERNITY".

Obscene (Dark Thoughts)

Would you like to see something twisted and distorted?

Something so grotesque that your stomach cannot support it?

Just the thought makes you vomit and the actual sight is blinding and morbid.

It's so disturbing that it makes you sob without control.

Something that makes it so painful, like it's stealing your soul.

The pure insanity drives you mad.

It's so obscene that it's beyond sad.

As I have said, I enjoy drawing and have recently(towards the end of last year) taken up doing portraits. I been trying my hardest to make them look realistic, but this is the closest I've come. All the other ones, pretty much, look like I'm drawing some anime character in vivid detail. If you don't know who this is supposed to be I wouldn't blame you. Here I was trying to draw Satoshi from the VK(Visual Kei) band Girugamesh.

This is the picture that I used as reference for the portrait.

100% Skepticism

There's a loaded gun pressed to the back of my head.
I can't turn to look at the gunman's face.
"Don't worry I won't let anyone hurt you." says the gunman warmly.
(I take a few steps forward)
I can feel their breath on the back of my neck.
"It's alright. Keep going. I'm right here for you." The gunman is grinning now.
(I start forward again and pause)
"Come on, don't hesitate. I'm right here with you." The gunman is giggling a bit, now.
(I walk forward without hesitation, then waver in my steps)
"Come now, I've got you. You can trust me. Let's go. They're already there." The gunman is now cackling like a madman, but still I trust this person.
(I continue along the way for quite a while, then stop to catch my breath)
"Don't give up now! Look! There they are! Come on! I'm right here with you!" The gunman has bound my wrists now and is grinning from ear to ear.
(I start running to meet everyone)
"Hello!"
"Took you long enough."
"Let's start now!"
"Wait! I have to reply to this text."
Everyone's gathered together and the gunman has cocked the gun.
"Come on! Come on! Come on!" Everyone is cheering now. The gunman is laughing again.
"Come, look at me properly now."
(I carefully turn in place)
Shock overwhelms me as the gun fires straight through to my heart.

Tight-rope of Glass

Tip-towing every time we meet

Holding my breath , even when I need to breathe

All the time when I see you I contemplate whether to keep or break this fragile relationship.

Whether to greet or avoid you?

Whether to go or stay when given the option?

Whether to cry or smile?

Get angry or be happy?

Every time I feel happy it quickly ends.

Just a like a bird with glass wings

Just like trying to skate on thin ice

Just like trying to builds a tower of cards, when there's a breeze.

So fragile, delicate, and frail.

Every time I see you the question arises

Whether to hold out my hand, or stay wedged against the wall?

Whether to knock on the door or run away?

Whether to smile in excitement or scream in frustration?

Just like trying to fly with glass wings

Just like trying to walk on cracked ice

I'm happy to hear your voice

I'm scared to hear your voice

Trying to smile

Attempting to keep my composure.

Is it normal?

Is this average?

Papa, Grandma, Uncle?

What are you?

Are we family, friends, or just acquaintances?

Do you even know of my existence?

Am I even here to you?

Talking to you is like suffocating

It's painful

So painful

Please, just a little longer

Please don't abandon it yet

Whether to break this little connection we have?

Whether to continue standing on this unstable pedestal?

Whether I should attempt to escape, again?

What should I do with this?!

This rage!

This sorrow!

This happiness!

This utter despair...

I love you?

I hate you?

I don't know what to say.

Should I greet you?

Should I even try to meet you?

Where would this lead?

It hurts so much

Just a bit more

Just a little bit more

Just let me be happy a bit more.

So dizzying.

So confusing.

Feels like wings being ripped off.

Like falling through ice

Like standing on top of a house of cards.

This is like walking across a tight-rope of glass, as thin as thread.